HUSBAND'S QUERY
CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage bridegroom male(25), bride female(21) AS
BEGIN
SELECT bride FROM All_Brides where fatherinlaw='millionaire' AND COUNT(car)>20 AND housestatus='threestorey' AND brideedustatus IN (B.Tech,B.E.,MCA,MBA) AND HAVING brothers=null AND sisters=null

SELECT gold, car, bankbalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE mybankaccount SET mybal=mybal+fatherinlawbal
END

WIFE'S QUERY
DROP Husband;
COMMIT;

I don't know that I am suitable or not to explain what is OOP, I really can't measure it. But I encourage myself to bring out this topic because this isn't be far from sharing idea
With my current knowledge (DUMMY), sometime I was confused by OOP too and I don't know why. So I also encourage you who are reading this (yes.. you!!) can share some about OOP too at here, then we can learn it together

When they were talking about OOP, I just kept silence to listen it and compared to what I know Everyone has their own analogies about OOP concept but I believe their core purposes are still the same if they really can explain what is OOP actually

If people are talking about OOP, they will bring out at least class and object, inheritance, abstraction, encapsulation and polymorphism.
I believe the comprehension of what I stated above will let you understand the core of OOP although there are some else beside them.

So what is OOP? A programming concept which uses objects and their relationships/interactions to build computer programs/software.
Before we dive into deeper about OOP, we should understand what is a class and object.
Class can be described as a blueprint and also a template that contains same general characteristics and capabilities which can be used by any object.
Forming a class is alike with art of classification, we should determine the general attributes/properties and behaviors/methods inside a class.
eg. class Cat would consist a number of characteristics and behaviors that can be shared by all cats.
Fur color is one of its characteristics and Meow is one of its behaviors. All cats have their own fur color and meow's sound.

If we are talking about object, we should understand what is entity, can be physic or conceptual.
eg. student, car and bicycle are grouped in physic entity whereas bank account can be described as a conceptual entity.
Object is an instance of a class which has its own characteristics and behaviors, a particular version.
eg. YourCat is an instance of class Cat, so YourCat is an object. It has brown fur and can meow 10 times in a minute (capability).
We can have another object which called SomebodyCat, it has black fur and can meow only 8 times in a minute.
From here, I hope that you can understand what is an object.

Next is inheritance, it is a specified class relationship. I ever read a book, the author said that inheritance is '.. is a ..' relationship.
Inheritance is a mechanism that allows a new class can be derived from an existing class.
eg. String Musician is a base class whereas Guitar Player and Violin Player are derived class (child class). So we can say Guitar Player is a String Musician and Violin Player is a String Musician too.
See, '.. is a ..' statement is valid!
See below image.


Abstraction refers to the act of representing essential operations or features without including the implementation details or explanations.
Abstraction is simplifying complex reality by modelling classes appropriate to the problem, and working at the most appropriate level of inheritance for a given aspect of the problem.
Mostly, abstraction related to abstract class and interface.
What is an abstract class? A class exists solely to be derived from, we can't create any instance of this class because it is abstract.
And then what is an interface? Interface isn't a class, it is more 'abstract' than abstract class. Why?
It contains only operations, not implementation whereas abstract class can contain implementation details. It doesn't make sense too if we create any instance of this interface.
This is not an easy task if we want to classify abstract class and interface during development.
See below images.


Encapsulation refers to a mechanism to bound your data and methods, create a boundary so we can control the accessibility of the entity members.
Encapsulation also combines data and functions into single entity. Why we must use encapsulation? To control use and minimize the impact of change in future, those are the key answers.
eg. we have a class Car, this class has a method which has been encapsulated. That method's operation is describing how the machine works internally. In the other hand, is it important for user?
User only want to know how to drive the car, no matter how the machine works, they no need to know the implementations inside that method.
Perhaps they only know 'Drive' the car, so with this point, user doesn't have any control toward that method which is a private method.
'Drive' at here is a method that can be recognized by user or an object which is a public method instead.
Let's say, vendor want to change the implementation of how the machine works in future, do it impact user's activity? I don't think so.
We have already encapsulated the method which contains that implementation, so it looks alike transparent to user.
User won't know and don't want to know how huge or small the change, they only want to know how to drive a car, this is the important key.
See below image for another example.


And the last is polymorphism, it can be described as 'many forms or many shapes' which means an operation may exhibit different behaviors in different instances.
eg. string Musician (base class) has an operation called "TuneYourInstrument". It has 2 derived class currently (Guitar and Violin Player), each derived class overrides operation "TuneYourInstrument" from its base class. Operation "TuneYourInstrument" of each derived class can have different implementation or behavior in this case, Guitar Player plays guitar and Violin Player plays violin. This is called overriding polymorphism.
Assumed that all the musicians exhibit their show in a concert which is leaded by a conductor. There are around 50 types musician with their instrument eg. guitar, violin, harp, ukulele, cello, etc. When the show begins, conductor has to go to each musician for instructing them to play their own instrument if we don't apply polymorphism concept.
"First and second musician, TuneYourGuitar!", "Third, fourth and fifth musician, TuneYourViolin!", and so on... If we apply the polymorphism concept, the conductor will only scream or give an instruction to all musicians in front of them, "All, TuneYourInstrument!" And every musician will tune their own instrument.
See below image.


I hope above explanations can bring us to a clear destination of OOP, no matter how, I am still learning to practice OOP during development.
Happy programming

Note: idea of some examples I got from a C# ebook (MSDN)

Another big news again, I heard that Oracle has bought Sun this morning and I don't quite believe it. I tried to find some news on internet especially to Sun's official website and I found that's a reliable news.
SANTA CLARA, Calif., April 20, 2009 - "Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: JAVA) and Oracle Corporation (NASDAQ: ORCL) announced today they have entered into a definitive agreement under which Oracle will acquire Sun common stock for $9.50 per share in cash. The transaction is valued at approximately $7.4 billion, or $5.6 billion net of Sun's cash and debt."

How about open source's fate? The common software are MySQL, Java, Open Office, etc
I really can't imagine it, do they still remain as a open source software?
Do they have a new policy against these all? Let's wait...

Source:
1st Source
2nd Source
3rd Source
4th Source

Hello Juniors,

Welcome to my blog! As I promised you guys yesterday that I'll upload the answer for the question of our first meeting in Programming II
class. I know that we didn't have time to deep more about conditional statement and the feature of controls at that time. But I already uploaded the full source code, you have to learn it okay?

If you have any problem or question during doing this project, feel free to ask me at here thru comment section or messenger, I'll try my best to answer it immediately.

Download here

Note: I almost forget something, the project that I have uploaded was created in Visual Studio 2008. So it can't be opened in Visual Studio 2005 and you need to convert it back to VS 2005 solution.
I already uploaded a patcher found on internet, you can try to convert it with that patcher, easy to use.

VS2008 To VS2005 Patcher
Project Converter

If you fail to convert it, please let me know and I'll guide you if I can!

Hello Juniors,

Welcome to my blog! As I promised you guys yesterday that I'll upload the answer for the question of our first meeting in OOP class.
Please don't forget what I have taught you all in class about Class and Object, also the standardization of coding! eg. if we have a variable with data type Integer, we can name it as 'iFirstValue' or 'intFirstValue'. Also for class, object, module and so on (just remember the prefix of any variable or object). This will be better according to me! Don't treat them as a trivial matter ever

That's very important, I can say that's a foundation for your further class.
Furthermore meeting will be more difficult if you don't understand what is class and object, you will face what we called as Inheritance, Encapsulation, Polymorphism, urm.. maybe I will teach you all about the Abstract Class and Interface if we have spare time. Those are the compulsory lessons if you want to master OOP in whatever language eg. VB, C#, and also Java.

Tips: reading E-Book about OOP in VB .NET

If you have any question with this first meeting or others, you can ask me directly at here thru comment section or messenger. I'll try my best to answer it immediately.

Download here

Jia you!

Note: I almost forget something, the project that I have uploaded was created in Visual Studio 2008. So it can't be opened in Visual Studio 2005 and you need to convert it back to VS 2005 solution.
I already uploaded a patcher found on internet, you can try to convert it with that patcher, easy to use.

VS2008 To VS2005 Patcher
Project Converter

If you fail to convert it, please let me know and I'll guide you if I can!

Perhaps you still don't know how to change the 'Target Framework' for your project in Visual Studio. I am using Visual Studio 2008 currently, so the .NET framework should be 3.5 but I already upgraded it to 3.5SP1 ^^
So when I add a new project, I can choose 3 types of .NET framework including 2.0, 3.0 and 3.5. See below screen shot.


Well, I deliberately choose 2.0 first so later I will change it to 3.5 during development time, urm.. maybe I want use some features in 3.5 that can't be found in 2.0 eg. LINQ.

How to change it?
1. Go to Project properties.
2. If you are using C# project, you can directly see this text 'Target Framework:' in application section. Otherwise if you are using VB project, you have to move to Compile section and find a button called 'Advanced Compiled Options...' and click it, you'll get a windows form and you'll also see this text at below 'Target framework (all configurations):', change it to 3.5.
3. You will be prompted a message to ensure changing the target framework.
4. If you click yes, the target framework has been successfully changed.
See below screen shots.

Grrrr... grab this chance to share something that I learned before about SQL injection attack in desktop application environment.
Hmmm... why do I always have a chance to post?
What time is it now? Is it working time? ssstttt...
At the beginning, I didn't have courage to post this, because I scared this post is outdated already.
Nowadays, SQL injection attack is not a new trend, many people already knew how to prevent it in their application especially web application and website.
With this post, I will describe some concepts of SQL injection and how to prevent it.
Let's begin, no more roundtrip

In this demonstration, I'll use MySQL Database Server and VB .NET application for the front-end.
Database: Northwind
Table: Employees
I assumed that these below 2 fields have been using for login to system.
FirstName acts as 'Username'
City acts as 'Password'
If you don't have this database, you can download it at here

For the front-end application, I am using VS 2008 but I already set the target framework of solution become '.Net Framework 2.0' due to I didn't use .Net Framework 3.5 features in this demo.
Ok, now we prepare a malicious SQL query.
Hmmm.. eg. '; INSERT INTO employees(FirstName,City) VALUES ('qiux','qiux') #
Yeah, We will use above query to inject northwind database.

Let's take a look below code.
Dim sUsername, sPassword As String
sUsername = Trim(txtUsername.Text)
sPassword = Trim(txtPassword.Text)
Dim sSQL As String = "SELECT FirstName, City FROM employees WHERE FirstName = '" & sUsername & "' AND City = '" & sPassword & "'"

Do you notice what's wrong with above query in variable sSQL? It looks nice rite? I can tell you, that's a bad practise EVER! Bad person or attacker will use it to inject your database.
Still don't believe? Well, take a look below explanation.
We input any string in textbox 'txtUsername' eg. ilovestudying or an empty string (depends on your luck ^^). And then we input this Whatever'; INSERT INTO employees(FirstName,City) VALUES ('qiux','qiux') # into textbox 'txtPassword'.

So after we run the application, we'll get 2 query in 1 line, the query will be like this SELECT FirstName, City FROM employees WHERE FirstName = 'ilovestudying' AND City = 'Whatever'; INSERT INTO employees(FirstName,City) VALUES ('qiux','qiux') #'

Take note of this character ; (semicolon), it tells SQL that you’re starting a new statement. Also this character #, this is a comment function in MySQL, attacker will use it to avoid the last character which in this case is ' (single quotation mark).

The approriate query will be like this,
SELECT FirstName, City FROM employees WHERE FirstName = 'ilovestudying' AND City = 'Whatever'; INSERT INTO employees(FirstName,City) VALUES ('qiux','qiux')

Look, you can insert a row with value 'qiux' for FirstName and 'qiux' for City. Now you gain the access to system, you can login into it.
How about 'DROP DATABASE' AND 'DROP TABLE' statements were using by attacker? Your data will be lost! Trivial mistake or practise can let you pay the high cost.

So how to prevent it? My suggestion is using parameter when you want to execute any SQL query or using a replacing function in .NET.
See below code,
Dim sSQL As String = "SELECT FirstName, City FROM employees WHERE FirstName = '" & sUsername & "' AND City = @Password"

And try again with this malicious query '; INSERT INTO employees(FirstName,City) VALUES ('qiux','qiux') #
You'll see the difference, SQL injection can't be done because we are using a parameter in query statement.

Secondly, we can use 'Replace' method to prevent it.
Private Function safeStringSQL(ByVal sInput As String) As String
Return sInput.Replace("'", "''")
End Function
I replaced this character ' to ''. Try to inject it, you won't success to inject it too.

If you still don't understand till here, that's okay. I already provided the source code for you to cook it ^^ Sometime we have to try it so we can understand it easily.

Below are some tips from me to limit the chance of exploit or injection:
1. When we run the application, an exception occurs in your catch block statement, don't ever to expose it especially the SQL errors raised by database to the user. Try to log error information and show to user only friendly information. This will prevent exposing unnecessary detail that could help an attacker.
eg. in this demo, I don't give a friendly information to user deliberately.
Because this is only a practise. Well, so what does above statement mean?
When we try to inject, at the beginning we don't know what's the table name used for login so attacker will try and try any table name.
Perhaps is '; INSERT INTO user(Username,Password) VALUES ('qiux','qiux') #
IF table 'user' doesn't exist in database, you'll get a message approximately like this, Table 'northwind.user' doesn't exist.
What happened? Attacker will know there isn't a table called 'user' and he/she will try another again, also apply to field name.
So we have to keep secret the SQL errors raised by database to the user.
You can try it later, try with whatever table name and field name.

2. Limiting the size and type of input. By limiting the size and type of input, you significantly reduce the potential for damage. For example, if your database lookup field is 20 characters long and comprised entirely of numeric characters, enforce it.

I know this is just a basic knowledge of SQL injection attack, but why not? This is an useful knowledge for us, rite? Happy programming!

Source code
Note: Don't forget to change the connection string to MySQL Database Server!

Well, I grab this chance to explain a bit about the difference between Typed and Untyped Dataset in .Net. Typed Dataset sometimes can be called as Strongly Typed Dataset and vice versa for Untyped Dataset (Weakly Typed Dataset).
I made a big mistake in my life when people keep asking me, which one is better, typed or untyped?
My answer was Untyped Dataset without gave them a specific explanation! Till now, I always use Untyped Dataset, because it has become my habit.
And I don't know that is a good habit or not. I put all things into code, those could be maintained easily according to me.
When the schema of dataset or data structure has been changed, we no need to regenerate again the dataset class with each change in the data structure.
Let's dive into clear explanation about dataset

What is a dataset?
Datasets store data in a disconnected cache. The structure of a dataset is similar to that of a relational database; it exposes a hierarchical object model of tables, rows, and columns.
In addition, it contains constraints and relationships defined for the dataset.
You use datasets if you want to work with a set of tables and rows while disconnected from the data source.
One more thing we have to remember is we can create a relationship in dataset, that's cool man!
That's a good feature when we want create a master-detail relationship and put in datagrid especially devexpress's grid control.
Programming burden is become lesser ever!

So what is a Typed Dataset or Strongly Typed Dataset?
A typed dataset is a dataset that is first derived from the base DataSet class and then uses information in an XML Schema file (an .xsd file) to generate a new class.
Information from the schema (tables, columns, and so on) is generated and compiled into this new dataset class as a set of first-class objects and properties.
Visual Studio has more tool support for typed datasets, and they make programming with the dataset easier and less error-prone.
Typed access is not only easier to read, but is fully supported by IntelliSense in the Visual Studio Code Editor. In addition to being easier to work with, the syntax for the typed dataset provides type checking at compile time, greatly reducing the possibility of errors in assigning values to dataset members.
Access to tables and columns in a typed dataset is also slightly faster at run time because access is determined at compile time, not through collections at run time.
Also that if you are getting errors in Typed DataSet, they will most probably be in compile time and not runtime so you can always fix them.
We can create a Typed Dataset using IDE VS, right click on solution properties, choose Add > Dataset.

Assuming that we already added a dataset and some datatables with their relationship eg. Employee and SaleMaster.
Let's see how easy it can refer to the specific column and row that are present in the dataset.

Code:
Dim sEmployeeID As String
Dim sSaleMasterID As String

Dim oTypedDsEmployeeSale As New dsEmployeeSale
sEmployeeID = oTypedDsEmployeeSale.Employee(0).EmployeeID
sSaleMasterID = oTypedDsEmployeeSale.SaleMaster(0).SaleMasterID

The last is we can create a class file from the dataset with extension .xsd.
Using VS Command Prompt we find the path of .xsd file location which you want create. We should use keyword 'xsd', eg. xsd dsEmployeeSale.xsd /c /l:VB
/c is creating a class file from an .xsd file
/l:VB is creating a class file in VB Language, you can also choose C# Language.
For more information about which type of escape sequence you want to apply, you can enter 'xsd /?'
There are many things that you can do depend on your needs.
Below is the screen shots.



Secondly what is a Untyped Dataset or Weakly Typed Dataset?
An untyped dataset, in contrast, has no corresponding built-in schema. As in a typed dataset, an untyped dataset contains tables, columns, and so on — but those are exposed only as collections.
(However, after manually creating the tables and other data elements in an untyped dataset, you can export the dataset's structure as a schema using the dataset's WriteXmlSchema method.)
Even though typed datasets have many advantages, there are a variety of circumstances under which an untyped dataset is useful. The most obvious scenario is that no schema is available for the dataset.
This might occur, for example, if your application is interacting with a component that returns a dataset, but you do not know in advance what its structure is.
Similarly, there are times when you are working with data that does not have a static, predictable structure; in that case, it is impractical to use a typed dataset, because you would have to regenerate the typed dataset class with each change in the data structure.

If we want use an Untyped Dataset, we have to create it with code. As the relationship of its datatables, we also have to put some codes to create it.
So this is really a pure code without depending to designer of IDE.

Code:
Dim sEmployeeID As String
Dim sSaleMasterID As String

Dim oUntypedDsEmployeeSale As New DataSet
oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables.Add("Employee")
oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables.Add("SaleMaster")

Dim primaryKeyColumn As DataColumn = oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables("Employee").Columns("CustomerID")
Dim foreignKeyColumn As DataColumn = oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables("SaleMaster").Columns("SaleMasterID")
oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Relations.Add("EmployeeSale", primaryKeyColumn, foreignKeyColumn)

sEmployeeID = oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables("Employee").Rows(0).Item("EmployeeID").ToString
sSaleMasterID = oUntypedDsEmployeeSale.Tables("SaleMaster").Rows(0).Item("SaleMasterID").ToString

I still confuse for deciding which type should I use, but I believe that depends on our requirement.
Only this simple explanation which I can share at this moment, happy programming!

When developing a Java program it is important to select the appropriate Java Graphical User Interface (GUI) components. There are two basic sets of components that you will most likely build your Java programs with. These two groups of components are called the Abstract Window Toolkit (AWT) and Swing. Both of these groups of components are part of the Java Foundation Classes (JFC).

An Overview of the AWT
AWT stands for Abstract Window ToolKit. The Abstract Window Toolkit supports GUI Java programming. It is a portable GUI library for stand-alone applications and/or applets. The Abstract Window Toolkit provides the connection between your application and the native GUI. The AWT provides a high level of abstraction for your Java program since it hides you from the underlying details of the GUI your program will be running on.

AWT features include:
* A rich set of user interface components.
* A robust event-handling model.
* Graphics and imaging tools, including shape, color, and font classes.
* Layout managers, for flexible window layouts that don't depend on a particular window size or screen resolution.
* Data transfer classes, for cut-and-paste through the native platform clipboard.

The AWT components depend on native code counterparts (called peers) to handle their functionality. Thus, these components are often called "heavyweight" components.

An Overview of Swing
Swing implements a set of GUI components that build on AWT technology and provide a pluggable look and feel. Swing is implemented entirely in the Java programming language, and is based on the JDK 1.1 Lightweight UI Framework.

Swing features include:
* All the features of AWT.
* 100% Pure Java certified versions of the existing AWT component set (Button, Scrollbar, Label, etc.).
* A rich set of higher-level components (such as tree view, list box, and tabbed panes).
* Pure Java design, no reliance on peers.
* Pluggable Look and Feel.

Swing components do not depend on peers to handle their functionality. Thus, these components are often called "lightweight" components.
AWT vs. Swing

There are, of course, both pros and cons to using either set of components from the JFC in your Java applications.

Here is a summary

AWT:
Pros
* Speed: use of native peers speeds component performance.
* Applet Portability: most Web browsers support AWT classes so AWT applets can run without the Java plugin.
* Look and Feel: AWT components more closely reflect the look and feel of the OS they run on.

Cons
* Portability: use of native peers creates platform specific limitations. Some components may not function at all on some platforms.
* Third Party Development: the majority of component makers, including Borland and Sun, base new component development on Swing components. There is a much smaller set of AWT components available, thus placing the burden on the programmer to create his or her own AWT-based components.
* Features: AWT components do not support features like icons and tool-tips.

Swing:
Pros
* Portability: Pure Java design provides for fewer platform specific limitations.
* Behavior: Pure Java design allows for a greater range of behavior for Swing components since they are not limited by the native peers that AWT uses.
* Features: Swing supports a wider range of features like icons and pop-up tool-tips for components.
* Vendor Support: Swing development is more active. Sun puts much more energy into making Swing robust.
* Look and Feel: The pluggable look and feel lets you design a single set of GUI components that can automatically have the look and feel of any OS platform (Microsoft Windows, Solaris, Macintosh, etc.). It also makes it easier to make global changes to your Java programs that provide greater accessibility (like picking a hi-contrast color scheme or changing all the fonts in all dialogs, etc.).

Cons
* Applet Portability: Most Web browsers do not include the Swing classes, so the Java plugin must be used.
* Performance: Swing components are generally slower and buggier than AWT, due to both the fact that they are pure Java and to video issues on various platforms. Since Swing components handle their own painting (rather than using native API's like DirectX on Windows) you may run into graphical glitches.
* Look and Feel: Even when Swing components are set to use the look and feel of the OS they are run on, they may not look like their native counterparts.

In general, AWT components are appropriate for simple applet development or development that targets a specific platform (i.e. the Java program will run on only one platform).

For most any other Java GUI development you will want to use Swing components. Also note that the Borland value-added components included with JBuilder, like dbSwing and JBCL, are based on Swing components so if you wish to use these components you will want to base your development on Swing.

Tip: Whether you choose to use Swing or AWT for your Java program development, you should avoid mixing the two. There are many painting problems that can occur when you mix heavyweight AWT components with lightweight Swing.

Source: Developer Network

Do you ever think to make an application which can speak based on specific texts?
With several lines of code, you really can realize your dream
Using Microsoft Speech Library Object, we can use speak method of an object.
Talking less, let's see below code

Notice this parameter 'SpeechVoiceSpeakFlags.SVSFlagsAsync'.
That is one of SpeechVoiceSpeakFlags Enum which can control SpVoice.Speak method.
For more information of SpeechVoiceSpeakFlags Enum, please visit this link MSDN

Download source code

Code:
Option Strict On
Option Explicit On
Imports SpeechLib

Public Class Form1
Private Sub btnSpeakIt_Click(ByVal sender As System.Object, ByVal e As System.EventArgs) Handles btnSpeakIt.Click
Dim oSpeaker As New SpVoice
Try
If Trim(txtTextMessage.Text) = "" Then
MessageBox.Show("Please input your text message for testing.", "Speaker", MessageBoxButtons.OK, MessageBoxIcon.Information)
txtTextMessage.Focus()
Else
oSpeaker.Speak(Trim(txtTextMessage.Text), SpeechVoiceSpeakFlags.SVSFlagsAsync)
End If
Catch ex As Exception
MessageBox.Show(ex.Message.ToString, "Speaker", MessageBoxButtons.OK, MessageBoxIcon.Error)
End Try
End Sub
End Class

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife???: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife???: You are useless.
Husband: It`s by Default.
Wife???: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try later.
Wife???: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus


MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Programmer to Team Leader: “We can’t do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can’t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project.”

Team Leader to Project Manager: “This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature.”

Project Manager to Director: “This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it.”

Director to Vice President: “This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution.”

Vice President to CEO: “This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances.”

CEO to Client: “This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.”

Bill Gates can choose his punishment.
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.

In a computer class, one student getting bored of the lectures started throwing airplane papers on the teacher.

Teacher: Stop that mischief and gives punishment to the student to write on the blackboard 500 times that "I will not throw paper airplanes in class"

Student : (stands up) Goes to the blackboard and writes

#include
int main(void)
{
int count;

for (count=1; count <= 500; count ++)
printf ("I will not throw paper airplanes in class.");
return 0;
}

(Call Center guy getting a call)

Support Person: Hello may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I have bought your printer yesterday but it is not working

SP: Okay I will help! Can you please explain me what is the problem?
Caller: It is not printing
SP: Is your PC working properly?
Caller: Yes Yes
SP: Sorry to ask this do you know how to give print command?
Caller : Yes I know very well even I know some shortcuts!!!
SP: Okay can please try again now and tell me?
Caller trying for sometime and......
Caller: Nope I didn't getting it.
SP: Oh.. is that paper jammed in your printer?
Caller: Paper?? Do I need to insert paper??

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can’t find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend — sometimes even without a secure socket.

His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, “I hate commenting!” Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as “Feature Creep.” He smacked her back-end and shouted, “Who’s your parent node?!” He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, “Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You’re 1337, baby!” This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface.